How to get out of inner prison?

Today a strong thing happened to me. I went to the organic fair with André and Josélia. As I looked at the ingredients and I explained that I did not know what it was for Joselia, a lady came to talk to me loudly.

“If you don’t recognize these vegetables why are you coming to this fair?”

She said it in a strong way. And I answered delicately.

“I told her that I’ve had 2 comas. I had lost many areas of my brain. If I ever knew, I don’t know anymore. ”

She said strongly.

“You put yourself in prison.”

I was angry. And I started to say:

“You do not understand. In the second coma, I would not open eyes, talk, walk, I was not present. I have brain failures, and you don’t understand. ”

And she strongly say:

“See how you hold yourself. And you likes it. ”

I was angry, and André and Joselia left me to go shopping at the fair, I stay and this lady tells me.

” I’ll teach you something.”

She held my clothes by the back. And she said

: “Julieta, walk! “

I explained that I couldn’t. She tells me.

“You need to learn to meditate and let go of the past”

I explain that I’ve done vipassana, gone go to India, met the Dalai Lama, and done meditation, etc.

And she still strongly told me,

“Do you see you’re still getting stuck in the past ???”

I confess I got mad. And I said calmly but feeling angry,

“You don’t understand me.”

And she said “I am a neurologist and I am 80 years old.”

” What’s your name?”

” What is the difference? I hope one day you will learn not to imprison yourself !!

I got out angry in silence. I left and went to Joselia and André. It took hours for me to understand and be grateful.

The other week another doctor I had mat at the fair taught me how to do something different.

It should be something what I had never done before, that would activate my brain. It was delicate and wonderful.

Today it was so hard, it took hours for me to understand and think that the 80-year-old lady, who gives me her time to make me be present.

I didn’t even say thank you, I ran out and just writing I’m grateful. Why is it so hard to let go of the past and be present? I hope one day we will be able to break free from ourselves.

Love Jules

Lessons of life

It moves me when I read what I had written in the past. Which is still present.

Me telling about Lama Lobsang who became my friend. He was teaching Buddhism in the world. He was from Tibet, moved to India and I met him in London when he was living there and me also. I did not meet him even to learn Buddhism. It was to bring a gift from a new friend I had met in India.

As I was reading now it makes me remember so well.

He became a friend. He used to come to my house. The first time I was invited to go to his house. It was on a hard day. I was very lost, not knowing whether my brain was sick and studying something that led me further and further away from my personal searches. That day Lama Lobsang called me. I felt so lost, and he invited me out of the blue for the first time ever to go to his house. I decided to go, though my whole body did not feel like going. I did not feel like talking about Buddhist theory that day. When I got to his house I went in, and for the first time ever I said something very personal. “Lama Lobsang, I feel so lost. Parts of me search in Buddhism, others in cognition. I am not sure whether I am really sick. I am just so lost.” He did not reply, he just invited me to go to the kitchen. He started to cook something Tibetan made of water and flour. I just sat watching him. We barely spoke. He cooked something like a noodle soup. I forgot my sadness while I watched and completely forgot about it all when I ate it, and by the time we went to the living room I was so relaxed that I felt I was about to fall asleep. Lama Lobsang suddenly said,

“Julieta, you should not feel bad. You are quite blessed. You are beautiful, intelligent, you have a very good life.” “Lama, I don’t know whether my brain is destroying itself or not.” “Julieta, learn this: your enemies are your best friends.” I enquired whether it was in the sense of impermanence and he agreed, but also said, “Your enemies, or any adversities you experience, are the only true things that allow you to practice compassion and patience. Only when you practice compassion towards your manifested enemy will you understand your ‘enemies’ are but a reflection of your internal enemies. They go with you wherever you go. So when you encounter a manifested enemy you have a real chance to practice compassion, and understand that the real enemy comes from within. That is the hardest thing to do, to be compassionate to yourself. And only when you can feel compassion to yourself you can start to be free from suffering.”

As I read this today here in South Africa. I can even remember the place, the food, the details. Just like I know with 2 comas, researches all over the world , we do not know anything.

Today I said to my father he was my strong male enemy and I smiled. Those who are closed make us deal with ourselves .

That is the path of life. We never fully understand. We always prefer to dislocate responsibility.

I will be forever thankfully to Lama Lobsang. I hope one day I am able to really be inner present. To and deal with hard moments without running from myself. And that even with my brain with areas destroyed to not forget the bests lessons of my life. I would always consider Lama Lobsang and Mustapha.

As with doubts to come to travel with my parents Mustapha said he had lost his father when he was 10 and his mom when he was 20.

As I explained about our discussions he said.

“ They will not change, nor will you”

His class was decolonizing the mind.

So when the hard discussions come between members of family we all must deal with our inner problems.

Love

Jules