In losses we learn the value of life and the purpose


Decolonizing the mind was the best class I ever had in my life. It was from Moustapha and I did it with Leila. Mounia has also took this class, and the 3 are so important in my life. They were the 3 from Morocco.




It was in Morocco that I had my first epileptic attack, and I love this country and I had it but you don’t know what is. I was alone seeing Morocco more than Haiko because he had to travel and I love the country. When I told him about this electricity he realised I had to go see doctors, and they told me to go to hospital, and I ended up going. But the first time I was in hospital, where they did loads of exams, and declared what I had, epilepsy. It was in 2007. I declared to go out and look for alternative ways to deal with my epilepsy, and of course I felt good, till I blocked speaking after 6 months. And I wonder if it was to talk to my mom I had epilepsy. She told me to come to Brasil immediately and then I went to hospital here in Brasil, and they found a good neurologist. My doctor who I like but made me take Phenobarbital. What I have doubts, because at that moment I became dependant on drugs till now. That I really have doubts how it works, I have been in 2 comas, even if I was taking medication. One time I took out of medication and my my doctor, Getulio told me he would not be my doctor if I didn’t take it. I agreed and I took it and then, even taking it I had an epileptic attack and I was induced to coma In Thailand and was induced in Brasil.

I told a friend, who is medical doctor, that I never believed in people who are so certain of something. I always have doubts in those studies. He said. “do you think the finger can really understand the other finger. Like the brain, can you believe the brain can really know about the brain?” He told me I had 2 comas for epilepsy

When he told me that, it made me remember the first time I went to India, to Dharamsala with Haiko. And luckily I went and there was a Buddhism class from Dalai Lama. His first words were “Do not become Buddhist, respect all religions, and follow what it is inside of you”. That amazed me. I never knew so much about Buddhism, but I knew there were many different styles of paths in countries in Buddhism. The School of buddhism off the Dalai Lama was Gelug. I knew that Buddhism has different traditions in countries, and many different in religions in India. But I knew India was a bigger country in the past, before the independence. I used to hear how Gandhi was admired in different countries, but in India I started to see, as I know it now, there are many who do not like him, seems like now the number of people in India who don’t like him is growing. They did not like that the country was divided, and many do not like the Islamic. I have bean in Kashmir, and I know many people do not respect him. But as I was speaking, Sidarta was born in India before the division. I deeply respect human beings. Sidarta, was then born there, now I know it is in Nepal. But about Buddhism I never imagined that there would also be different styles among the Tibetans, in Nepal more Hindu than many tibetans live in Nepal live and in India, as well buddhism and in China as well. I always wanted to go to Nepal and there, but from India I learned so much.


I always loved to learn about religions. I knew a little about Buddhism but never got into much detail of Buddhism in Tibetans. Luckily in my class I met Denise who felt I should meet Karmapa. I said yes, but I did not know who he was. It was then that I read that HH Dalai Lama was the 14th reincarnation and went by Gelug school of Buddhism. I read that HH Karmapa was the 17th reincarnation of his lineage. How could I say thanks to Denise, who invited me to see Karmapa. I was an atheist and never really believed in anything. But always loved to learn about religions. Denise took me to another place where many tibetans and others wanted to see Karmapa. After he said his words, I thought we would go back to Dharamshala, but then Denise told me we had a private meeting with HH Karmapa. I was shocked, Denise told me she felt I should go. Denise and her friend Rita had white scarfs and I did not know about what to do. I asked a Lama where to buy a white scarf, he gave me his. I asked him what to do when I enter his place. He told me to enter and put my had down 3 times, and has him only one question. I had no idea what I could ask him in only one question. I thought a long time. And I asked him “I don’t know what I have, and what was the point of life”. He stood-up, came close and touched my had and said, “electricity, it is all in your brain”. I, as an atheist, was completely shocked. How could HH Karmapa know I have and epilepsy? I looked and even decided to see his path of kagyu Tibetan Buddhism. HH Karmapa ask if I wanted to take a picture with us. I was so amazed. I wonder how could say thank you. That made me so deeply amazed, till today, after after 2 comas and many times in hospital, it is the most amazing thing to me.


There I asked Denise how could I give a deeper gift for making me meet HH Karmapa. She asked me simply if I we would go back to London. I sad yes, and she asked me if I could bring some clothes to Lama Lobsang. Lama Lobsang was a Tibetan who used to give Buddhism classes in Europe. I never did his class. I was in the university of LSE, when I called him where I was, I told him I could go to give his gifts and he said he preferred to come where I was. So he came to LSE university, I gave him his gift, we had tea and we became friends. He usually came to my house and I went to his house. I will never forget the last time I saw him. I did not want to go but as I was desperate, but feeling I could not go. I enter his house saying all the problems of my life, about my disease, and pain, and he told we should go to the kitchen. He told me to seat and he cooked. And as he cooked, all the thoughts went by and when he cooked and we ate in silence, I was in peace. Lama Lobsang told me to go a place of his house and he said. “do you remember you were sad, angry, desperate?” All came back. As I said all the thoughts, he said, “Do you see you were like this, and the silence while cooking made you become slowly peaceful. And one word made it all come back”. “All is impermanent”. He said one “your enemy its your best friend, it is you”.


When I actually did Vipassana that was to do decolonizing the mind. That was meditating. It is to meditate for 10 days with no phone, not speaking, no book it’s you with you alone. that is the hardest thing and of great value. That is now that I see how neuroscience is more profound than you think. How I finally see how the dreams are very important. Not the other telling you what mean, it is you realising what it it they are telling about yourself. They show things you did not see while awake. Many people need to see another human to help them see, like a psychologist, or neurologist. I declared the director, In Vipassa all about Philosophy, anthropology, psychology the lady told me your enemy is your best friend, it is you. I wrote about this before . It was so hard. I did it to proof but it is amazing. It is to deal with yourself.


I just write for many reasons. I am actually grateful I had and epileptic attack, sometimes I hate it sometimes I like it. It is all impermanent. And Andre became friend of my first husband Haiko who is a Neuroscientist. And for ever I am thankful to people I am tankful for Mustapha, Leila, Mounia, Felipe, Akamine, Sho, Alondra, Giovani, Julian, Pao, Rebecca, Luciana, Paula, Nese, Sam, Adriana, Vitao, Kons, Denise, Isabel, Andrey, Mariana, Tia, Rita, Daniel, Naoko, Michal, Ghandi, Fi, Netinha, and my parents and my grandmother who have supported me with 2 comas. Sorry for some medications made me angry, depressed etc.

Most of those have always have though about the others. Not about money, about inner peace and I know some of those do not realise how good they are.

Maybe I have to decolonize my brain 🙂

Many times I thought how muchI have lost. I remember I wanted to go out of the Lycée but I wanted realise the value of having critical thoughts and not just repeating what they say. From that I remember from that my mom said to go to the US. I did not want to go, but Felipe who had gotten the same scholarship before and wrote to convince me to go. I was in NY. I studied so many things. And from there I saw the chance for a test to get a scholarship to go to Holland for International Politics in Amsterdam. That is what made me remember Haiko. I used not like the bike like I never did before. Then we moved to London and I did my master and it was about Israel and Palestine. When I decided to abandon my PhD, my professor Rita asked me why wouldn’t I should it about Buddhism. I went out. Later I just thought it was so sad I had abandoned good things.

But now I would not have been able to meet Andre, spend time with my grandmother who is 95, my dear friends and mom and dad. I realise that in the losses there are values. It makes me remember we have to be present. Impermanence actually it is easy to see. Compassion it is not so easy. But the hardest for me it is to be in peace. That it is hard.


So give value to your losses for that makes you meet new things. I have lost a lot. It is hard to write without technology. I would not be able to send this post to all of you without it. And of course Andre, who is a technologist, has to correct my billions of my mistakes after so many epileptic attacks, and Andre editing my mistakes. Never think your losses is so bad, there is something that you can get from it.



How to get out of inner prison?

Today a strong thing happened to me. I went to the organic fair with André and Josélia. As I looked at the ingredients and I explained that I did not know what it was for Joselia, a lady came to talk to me loudly.

“If you don’t recognize these vegetables why are you coming to this fair?”

She said it in a strong way. And I answered delicately.

“I told her that I’ve had 2 comas. I had lost many areas of my brain. If I ever knew, I don’t know anymore. ”

She said strongly.

“You put yourself in prison.”

I was angry. And I started to say:

“You do not understand. In the second coma, I would not open eyes, talk, walk, I was not present. I have brain failures, and you don’t understand. ”

And she strongly say:

“See how you hold yourself. And you likes it. ”

I was angry, and André and Joselia left me to go shopping at the fair, I stay and this lady tells me.

” I’ll teach you something.”

She held my clothes by the back. And she said

: “Julieta, walk! “

I explained that I couldn’t. She tells me.

“You need to learn to meditate and let go of the past”

I explain that I’ve done vipassana, gone go to India, met the Dalai Lama, and done meditation, etc.

And she still strongly told me,

“Do you see you’re still getting stuck in the past ???”

I confess I got mad. And I said calmly but feeling angry,

“You don’t understand me.”

And she said “I am a neurologist and I am 80 years old.”

” What’s your name?”

” What is the difference? I hope one day you will learn not to imprison yourself !!

I got out angry in silence. I left and went to Joselia and André. It took hours for me to understand and be grateful.

The other week another doctor I had mat at the fair taught me how to do something different.

It should be something what I had never done before, that would activate my brain. It was delicate and wonderful.

Today it was so hard, it took hours for me to understand and think that the 80-year-old lady, who gives me her time to make me be present.

I didn’t even say thank you, I ran out and just writing I’m grateful. Why is it so hard to let go of the past and be present? I hope one day we will be able to break free from ourselves.

Love Jules

Lessons of life

It moves me when I read what I had written in the past. Which is still present.

Me telling about Lama Lobsang who became my friend. He was teaching Buddhism in the world. He was from Tibet, moved to India and I met him in London when he was living there and me also. I did not meet him even to learn Buddhism. It was to bring a gift from a new friend I had met in India.

As I was reading now it makes me remember so well.

He became a friend. He used to come to my house. The first time I was invited to go to his house. It was on a hard day. I was very lost, not knowing whether my brain was sick and studying something that led me further and further away from my personal searches. That day Lama Lobsang called me. I felt so lost, and he invited me out of the blue for the first time ever to go to his house. I decided to go, though my whole body did not feel like going. I did not feel like talking about Buddhist theory that day. When I got to his house I went in, and for the first time ever I said something very personal. “Lama Lobsang, I feel so lost. Parts of me search in Buddhism, others in cognition. I am not sure whether I am really sick. I am just so lost.” He did not reply, he just invited me to go to the kitchen. He started to cook something Tibetan made of water and flour. I just sat watching him. We barely spoke. He cooked something like a noodle soup. I forgot my sadness while I watched and completely forgot about it all when I ate it, and by the time we went to the living room I was so relaxed that I felt I was about to fall asleep. Lama Lobsang suddenly said,

“Julieta, you should not feel bad. You are quite blessed. You are beautiful, intelligent, you have a very good life.” “Lama, I don’t know whether my brain is destroying itself or not.” “Julieta, learn this: your enemies are your best friends.” I enquired whether it was in the sense of impermanence and he agreed, but also said, “Your enemies, or any adversities you experience, are the only true things that allow you to practice compassion and patience. Only when you practice compassion towards your manifested enemy will you understand your ‘enemies’ are but a reflection of your internal enemies. They go with you wherever you go. So when you encounter a manifested enemy you have a real chance to practice compassion, and understand that the real enemy comes from within. That is the hardest thing to do, to be compassionate to yourself. And only when you can feel compassion to yourself you can start to be free from suffering.”

As I read this today here in South Africa. I can even remember the place, the food, the details. Just like I know with 2 comas, researches all over the world , we do not know anything.

Today I said to my father he was my strong male enemy and I smiled. Those who are closed make us deal with ourselves .

That is the path of life. We never fully understand. We always prefer to dislocate responsibility.

I will be forever thankfully to Lama Lobsang. I hope one day I am able to really be inner present. To and deal with hard moments without running from myself. And that even with my brain with areas destroyed to not forget the bests lessons of my life. I would always consider Lama Lobsang and Mustapha.

As with doubts to come to travel with my parents Mustapha said he had lost his father when he was 10 and his mom when he was 20.

As I explained about our discussions he said.

“ They will not change, nor will you”

His class was decolonizing the mind.

So when the hard discussions come between members of family we all must deal with our inner problems.




I have a strong attachment to Asia and a willingness to do Vipassana again. Vipassana is around the world. And I did for the first time in England. I read what I wrote in the past now and it touched me. I try to translate for my friends who do not speak portuguese.

Vipassana is based on the following: the idea that suffering comes from the pattern of our mind from never being in the present. From being thrown from the past to the future by our emotions and thoughts all the time. We always react with an aversion to what we do not like and with attachment to what we want and how everything is impermanent and we suffer. But everything that exists in the present is sensations. That is why they say Buddha believed that if we learned to become fully aware of our senses, and learn to be equanimous (not reacting with attachment or aversion to them) we would deeply break the pattern of the mind’s reaction. Vipassana, therefore, trains you to become aware of the body sensations (heat, pain, tingling, vibrations, etc.) and to practice equanimity (not reacting, observing the sensations “as a scientist” objectively).

Then, during the last 7 days you learn to observe the whole body. Beginning with the head, and bit by bit scanning the whole body and watching the sensations down to the tips of the toes. 3 times a day, there is a determination to sit for an hour without moving by observing what is going on, what is to feel detached, for everything is impermanent. During the retreat he observes noble silence. Silence of speech, gestures, thought, etc …

I had of course many philosophical doubts, cognitive. Being in silence was easy. Once there is a sense of tremendous support, tremendous gratitude. Since nothing is paid to go when you arrive, and as the days go by, and it is observed how everything is well maintained, it becomes increasingly evident that all that is possible because the people who were there before you donated money, so that this opportunity was also given to other people. All the delicious food you eat is prepared by volunteers who, in addition to meditating, wake up early to cook for you.

I was very lucky with the weather. The days were beautiful. Spring was coming and, symbolically, I felt the life coming back. I confess I did not notice the flowers when I arrived. Maybe it was on the third day when I was really concentrating that I noticed that the cherry trees in front of my room were blooming. I fully understood Kurosawa this time in one of his “Dreams.” I understood more Japanese who talk so much about the beauty of cherry blossoms. The festivals (hanami) to see the blossoming cherry trees (sakura) take place in Japan since the seventh century.

There are some precepts that one observes when practicing Vipassana, and one of them is not to kill. In my first three days I was sick, I had diarrhea, and a lot of stomach pain, but observing the silence, and not having much to do, I was silent. My roommate who must have noticed my massages in the stomach, placed a small glass next to my bed. When I returned to the room, without looking at her, avoiding any communication I noticed the presence of an unknown green bottle on my side of the table. I was surprised, I took the bottle and saw that it was a natural remedy for stomach pain.

It’s incredible, as little gestures like these touch you. It had been three days since I was silent and I knew that despite the silence we were there one in the support of the other, and all mutually leaning in silence. I could not say thank you, I could not write thank you, I decided that in gratitude I would put a flower on her side of the table. Since I did not want to kill anything, including a flower, I looked for a flower that had fallen. I placed it next to the table next to Liz’s bed.

The days passed, and every day I looked at the cherry trees to see how they were that day. I felt touched by my retreat to accompany the blossoming of the cherry trees. By the end of the 10 days they were completely in bloom. I finally understood all the Japanese literature I had read. It is not only that they are beautiful, but it is the process that happens every year, an impermanent process, where one day is equal to the other, where petals fly, where everything moves towards perfection, to what may seem like a a fleeting moment of beauty, to which you can not cling. I watched the process, and experienced experientially the beauty of a blossoming cherry tree. The brief, fleeting, impermanent beauty of the cherry tree though “breathtaking” is not its greatest power. The most touching thing is observing the daily process. Perhaps the most powerful is the permanence of the impermanent. Watch the cherry blossoms bloom, and know that although spring is every time different, it is always spring. To observe a cherry tree in bloom is to observe the coexistence of chronological and cyclic time.

On the tenth day, when the silence was raised, Liz came to tell me the flower on her side of the table. I explained to her that I had taken a dead flower because I did not want to kill a flower. She had clearly understood this in our silence. And of course if I had picked a living flower, it would have been killed in the act. However, somehow there, the impermanence of life and beauty of the flower mingled. The gratitude, however, symbolized in the impermanence of the material was dissociated from the material.

Maciek Turzynski Luca Boccia Andrew Tope Isabel de Pastor Giovanni Il Camminatore Saengchan Kotchakorn Alo Pavón Elizabeth Ings

The path of the exchanges of our lives.

Yesterday I took the bus here in France. I usually see in many areas of the world yong people seating in the train and in the bus.

I always seat if there is no older people. It amazes me how most people don’t care about older people with canes and do not stand up to let them seat.

Maybe it is because I have already broken my leg, been in coma and had my lag modified. And of course because I am close to my Grandma who is 94 and is conscious and read in 3 languages and even has broken her lag and has a walker.

I am back to walk , mountains etc and my grandmother is back to go out with her friends alone, but I have realised how hard it is to lose abilities.

I admire older people. There are areas of the world where they do. But I guess many dont.

Yesterday, as I was giving places to a lady who came to the bus she felt like it was not necessary, another lady, that was close and it was fundamental. So she accepted and I told her I would look the bag of food that she had.

The other old lady told me it was very rare someone cares about the elderly. I told her I love Asia because to me it seemed they give more value for the lessons of life.

Just by speaking and helping a lady with her walker to get out of the bus.

She was amazed that I helped and she told me it was not typical in France. I told I admire and as I blocked to say a word and the lady was direct: “ getting older”.

I agreed. I said how much I admire the knowledge the elders have. I tell her that it is why I admire Asia and some reasons that have nothing to do with traditions but to value the enormous amount of knowledge that people who get old have accumulated.

Today as a friend of mine who is not in Paris told me to go listen to music.

It was wonderful. But while I could know easily about one famous composers of . It was in a church and I was so curious of one song and again I decided to speak to an older couple who was there.

I learned from them the pianist was Elio di Tanna,

Playing Bach, Beethoven, Erik Satie,Franz Lieszt and him.

It was in the church, Eglise Saint Ephrem-le Syriaque, here in Paris. The couple even spoke of the controversions of one composer who was too modern for the time he composed.

I agreed music is so controversial in modernity but I loved to see older people and young listening music.

During the day I had gone to the Louvre. I have been there in the past but this week, Monday protest, Tuesday closed, today full. Info all tickets by internet. People dont give much info. It is very said to see the elderly coming without an idea. All the info it is in the internet. I wonder why these ideas of diminishing workers . It will always makes them loose jobs and the elderly loose the ability to see them. Hard to think all could depend of the Internet.

I wish people would realise before getting old. How much wonderful change we should exchange with with elders. Hard it is the path for all of us. We should learn from both sides, and help from both. That is the value of life.

I love freedom and all beings should have it without fear.

I wonder how do we change so much in our life. I am now in France. Last year I was again in Asia. I love so much meeting people around the world that makes me wonder how do we have change by the time.

I admire people getting older and giving value to things and do not run and admire life and beings. I guess I admire travelling calmly because I have always done it. I love hearing the stories that people tell me in a slow style. I will always consider that the people I have met with profound stories will mean more to me than years on university.

I admire being allowed to study and to learn to be creative, critical but after two comas how could I remember more about people that I met in seconds . People who were not afraid of nothing. People that always heard the others and animals that are free.

Knowledge I barely believe it is coming from tv or books or school. To me it comes from speaking to to people and to observe.

Today I decided to tell I am here in France in Auxerre. Yesterday as I was looking at the river laying down and suddenly Andre told me. Wow look the Duck is close to you. I looked and loved it. I love freedom. Some days before we were in Dijon and I was there watching the ducks. Made fotos and I saw a couple of about 90 years so I felt likely I should say “sorry to disturb”

The lady told me the ducks usually run away from people. I spoke to this older couple and they told me to go see the museum that was now open. I realized she was older because they would forget what they have said. But I admired that they were there in front of the river and telling about things, even forgetting and saying the same. I admire that they did not give up life. They older people, forgetting things, told me about the museum.

André and I went to another lake because the museum was closed. There I saw even more ducks and even papers of explanations of what kinds of ducks, the differences of ducks. It was Wonderfull to see the younger and the older there to walk and see the ducks.

We went to the museum the following day. That was great. It was amazing. I was surprised how much enormous it was this museum. I thought it would be small for going there because it was an older lady who told me to go. They were people of all ages. I was amazed to see older people who do not take the elevator, they walked a lot in this museum.

Anyway as I come here and I lay down to see the river, the Duck comes to stay with me. An older lady was surprised to see the duck so close to me. She asked me how that had happened. I explained I did not know. The duck just came. She could not believe. She had studied about ducks and had never seen that. I spoke to the duck and she ( the duck) sat with me. I gave food that the lady explained it was grass. She could not believe he would come so close to me. She asked millions of questions, how could I did it? What had I have done it.

I told her I was singing ” Om Tara tuatara the Soha” which is a Tibetan mantra for tara. Before the duck had come. She still could not understand. I thought a lot and I thought and said maybe it is because I am a vegetarian, I feel sad to see animals in prison just to make humans happy. I said “Maybe the Duck knew that”

Of course a French lady could not understand it. Asked me if the duck was mine. If would go with me. I answered, I never want to put anyone in prison. I admire the duck because he flies, walks, and swims.

Days before I was in the house of Christian and Milou and there there is a free Cat. I had told her I love Cat. And I admire that she let her Cat free to see the nature.

She who is Jewish and very close to tibetans told me Cats is about curiosity. Freedom. The following day comes to me a word of HH Dalai Lama talking about his Cat.

It made me remember how I had admired the cat in Ubatuba that was also free and from a lady that had 3 cats. 2 usually would go out, only one likes to be home. I admire that lady that I don’t know.

I thought about that these days. And then came to my mind the Monkey that years ago came to my hostel in India and became a friend. Monkeys I always see as a an animal that is showing where is his territory. He became a friend. Writing it makes me remember last month I was looking for a long time a Squirrel. It is so beautiful. I saw it in Mexico when I was with Alondra.

Then it comes to my mind me and Andre in the most beautiful beach of Ubatuba where we were looking to sea the seagull , then comes to my mind I climbed a mountain in Mexico where the indigenous told me, because I asked what it meant for him he said to ask permission of the mountain to go to the mountain and to look and see what I feel. I did it. I went up with not fear and as I sat I looked maybe an eagle flying in front of the little mountain.

Then came to my mind Andre and I in Vietnam seeing butterflies and rabbit.

Those were free.

But also we saw elephant but that I find it is sad.

I love freedom that we all should have. I know many people think differently . I just write to say I have not changed I will always defend freedom for all beings.


Compassion to those who say hard things is possibility of a good lesson for the path

There is no day that Mr. Colly does not send messages to me. I met him in Vietnam last year in October. Andre was looking at something and I saw this older man saying hard things to no one. Saying critical words to Vietnam. Being me, I went to speak to him. I felt and still do that he is very sad.

He is from England and he loves China. He worked in China and found a girl that will be this year his wife, and as I spoke to him, I felt sad. I however thought it was cruel to abandon him, so Andre and I invited him to eat together. He chose an Indian place because it was close. He is so full of information. He speaks nonstop.

He was so critical to Vietnam and had huge admiration of the power of China. When I told him I love HH Dalai Lala he told me in china most people want him killed.

Mr. Colly is from Oxford, he is intelligent but so unhappy. I even gave him my WhatsApp number, he sends messages every day to me. They are articles, photos, and china anthem. I make him speak to Andre. He talks to him sometimes and I do it because I know what it is loneliness and sadness. He never accepts my perception.

His perception is the power of China which is the reality. For his reality UK broke but he also has a passport of the US and is getting married with a Chinese woman “That is powerful”.

Mr. Colly attacks the president of Brasil, Bolsonaro. Talks about the huge violence there is in Brasil. The murders etc. nothing really makes me feel too bad because I know it is true.

He sais “China is growing fast, The UK is broke, there is too much difference of classes in Brasil.”

I dislike the president, I am for the Indigenous in Brasil but I don’t read so many articles but when he talks and sends photos of Tibetans being hurt I suffered very much.

Many years ago, I went for the first time to India with Haiko. He had been there before, but I had not even thought of going. I arrived and I was shocked. Those who have been to India and are not from a tradition of there know it is hard.

India makes us wake up. India should never been seen for weeks. You have to learn to deal with the hard and then you start to love India. There is no middle way. Either you love or you hate.

I hated India when I arrived but as I stayed so I love so much. And I went back and always miss India. When I went the first time I arrived and went to Mc Leod Ganj. Haiko and I were atheist, agnostics and when we arrived there, we saw that HH Dalai Lama was giving a free course of Buddhism.

We went there and as I sat close to two women. They spoke Portuguese of the style of Brasil, so I said Hello and they were surprised I was from Brasil. I spoke to them and we became friends when HH Dalai Lama arrived.

I could tell a million things of what I have and am learning of Tibetan Buddhism. Denise made me meet HH Karmapa and I was shocked. I thought it would be like seeing Dalai Lama with many people around.

Dalai Lama when he saw monks of different clothes of Tibet, he returned to put them close to him. I was amazed. Dalai Lama amazed me he did not ask anyone to be Buddhist, did not consider different style of Buddhism was bad. So, when I was invited to see Karmapa I accepted without knowing what it meant.

I took my computer to find out since we had done a deal with Denise who invited us. I found out he was considered the Tibetan monk who had reincarnated 17 times, most for compassion. He had done more than HH Dalai Lama.

I was amazed but I went imagining it would be like seeing Dalai Lama full of foreigners to hear a class. I was right. There were many people there to see him, but there were many Tibetans who came to see him. I was amazed by it.

Denise then explained me when the course finished we had a private meeting with HH Karmapa because she had organized a long time before, I was shocked. I was not using specific clothes to see him. When I ask how to buy one. A monk gave me a scarf as a gift. I have it til today.

My private meeting was amazing. HH Karmapa knew about my brain and I was shocked. Me the non-believer was very moved. I will not tell more about this.

I want to tell that because the amazing gift Denise asked me to give, a favor which was to bring clothes to London. That was even a most amazing gift. The clothes were for Lama Lobsang who taught Buddhism in England and Europe. He used to come to my house. I used to go to his house and this way I learned so much about Buddhism.

I became very close to Tibetans and when I met Lingtrul Rinpoche it became even more clear that those tears that came suddenly, he explained it is because we know each other for many lives.

That also happened in Peru when I met Isabel who lives in Peru but is from Chile. I met her through Tibetan Buddhism. She is very close to Tibetans.

Yesterday I read a little about Mr. Colly I told him we would never be the same. “I would always love Dalai Lama and you would always think like a Chinese.” He told me only by Tibetans via China and that all younger Tibetans are getting money from China. They are learning Mandarin and that HH does nothing. I kept saying it is the same style of those who want to change the indigenous in Brasil. They do not accept different traditions.

I wonder why the world is so divided like that? The truth is that Mr. Colly thinks that the Tibetans will be happier with money and forgetting ideas of traditions. I do not understand how could it be that material things are the important thing in life. It is hard to relate to those people who give value to material things.

The most interesting is that I did Vipassana before and was vegetarian for a long time. I had never realized why. Mr. Colly in January he was eating a dog. I was so sad. But the truth I never liked eating an animal thinking they have thoughts.

Mr. Colly makes me return and understand that my friend Machiek, who has done Vipassana for a very long time, reminds me it is there that I started to not eat animals. I ate again when I forgot.

Vipassana is present in many countries and teaches to be present and meditate without talking, reading, phones.

I don’t say you have to do it. I say try if you are in a case of “I am here and need every second a film, a book, a work. If you need peace. Try to do Vipassana.

China wants Tibet different for economic reasons. No money will solve our internal problems. Mr. Colly would never do Vipassana. I speak to him as much as I can. I realized that sometimes even with his hard words, makes me go back to be vegetarian and to find how the path was.

With our falls, always should be seen as a positive to go back to the path that we had as a child, or the place we were better with the hopes of you and the others.

Our memories makes us realise we barely change. To evolve maybe is to accept we usually have different perceptions.

For so many years I have not spoke to my my dear friend Petlis. Pet is from HongKong and we studied at the Hofstra in Long Island in NY. At that time I was there, the year was 2001.

Talking after more than 10 years we laughed a lot. I realised that we have changed almost nothing, even thinking that we have evolved with the lessons, the losses and the aging. 🙂 So we laugh because we talk in Whatsapp in the same style of the past. It has been been many years that we have not talked and we had no face and Whatsapp talks before.

Pet came here to Brazil and I went to HongKong many years ago. We went to college together, to see Paris and London. That happened many years ago.

Pet reminded me that in HongKong I got sick from eating. I did not remember that.

When I told my grandmother who is 94 and she remembered that. She said I had a fever and I was more impressed that Pet and my grandmother remember it. My grandma told me that for over 10 years ago I had been impressed that Pet’s father had bought hundreds of movies, and books for me to see.

My grandmother telling me now and listening to Pet now, it made me remember it. Comes to my memory her house that I stayed in Hongkong. The bed I sat down and laid down as Pet’s father thought and saying I should rest before going out.

I remember now. Films in English, German, French and in other languages that I did not know. I did not know what languages they were. They were all in a Western style.

Today I understand. Having have traveled so often to Asia, I have become accustomed to seeing in letters that do not make sense to many Westerners people. So it was not easy for Pet’s father to give me books and movies.

Imagine how we could by for someone from Laos, from Vietnam, Burma, China, Thailand. 🙂 Of course in their language. So that made me realise how was wonderful kindness of Pet’s fathers had been to me.

It reminded me that I learned not to drink cold water there. I learned to drink tea. And to this day I do not like to drink anything cold. I had never realised where it came from.

And I love tea and coffee. And she tells Pet and my grandmother that I have not eaten for days and I did not remember that too. I know that here in Ubatuba in Brasil, now when I was feeling ache in my stomach and going a lot to the toilet to poop. I just stoped eating.

I resolved to be without

eating one day. I took

juice and fruits on the second day and on the third day I ate a little. So I feel super well.

When I talked to Pet, I laughed a lot. We laugh a lot because of what I remember with her, she does not remember and I do not remember what she remembers. This is deep friendship. Instead of defending yourself and saying it’s different. It is to accept that our perceptions are always different for a thousand of reasons.

When we abandon our vanity to think that we always know better, we begin to laugh and and have gratitude to return to memories and to understand that we always pay attention to different things.

Also here came to me my friend Angela who I also had not seen for a long time and just to see us together, we return to speak with the accent we invented in Itaunas, in Brasil before 2001.

How wonderful it is to return from the contacts of the past. Sundelly came to my mind my friend Maya, who is from Israel.

We met in Asia and I went to her house about 6 years ago in Israel. Now she’s a mother. She’s still with the same boyfriend I met, and I remember that so much.

I confess about my coma losses that makes me forget a lots of things. I tell her I wonder we had gone for them to buy a house on Israel’s border with Lebanon. I remember I was shocked that day. I tell her maybe my memory is a mistake.

She sends me a message on the face and she llaughs. And she says I did not change anything and she remembers this house that I had said was not a good idea.

I think it has a deep feeling. We do not forget.

Yesterday I went to buy a book for my grandmother who loves to read every day. I looked, I looked, I looked and when I saw here in Ubatuba a book of my favorite writer. Instead of buying a new one, I found a book by Dostoevsky.

Writing here I laugh. I love the Brothers Karamasov so much. I did not buy this book because my grandmother knows about it very well. I book another one by him.

I get one and I take a look and I see the story of Dostoyevsky. I knew he had been in jail. I knew he had written many books, I knew there was epilepsy in his book that I love. But I did not know Dostoyevsky was Epileptic.

It made me understand his books much more. His last book is what I love the most. Reading his story made me to see how much his life is there.

I write this laughing because we do not change anything. I still love the same things. Talking and seeing the same things.

My friend Lama Lobsang said that our greatest enemy was our best friend. They were ourselves. It is logical that the people closest to us know our reality better, but by their perceptions.

When we confront what they think they say we are, we become unhappy or angry. I have realized that we imagine that we have changed a lot. The hard part is to accept that we do not change much. Our qualities are the same, and our mistakes are the same.

Maybe evolving is to accepting the perceptions of others and the one of our greatest enemy is the same. It is ourself.

We should have less fear and make a path in the path we believe we are helping all the people in the world.

Rewriting is interesting. Suddenly I come Back to writing it is interesting. Suddenly I am coming back. Writing is interesting. Suddenly things come to my mind.

I remember that Dr Getulio use to tell me that I should write about things about my epileptic that we knew nothing what it came from. To tell how I felt.

Dr. Getulio was my dear doctor with whom I always had conflicts about our ideas.

Dr Getulio died of running. He had a heart attack and went to the hospital and, like me, he was in a coma, but he did not come back.

Dr. Getulio always used to say that every epileptic seizure would make my brain be destroyed.

The first epileptic seizure happen when I was in Morocco, at the house of my friend Mounia (Moon).

There are three people from Morocco who are very important in my life.

Mounia, Leila and Mustapha. Mounia is a great artist, Leila an incredible photographer and Mustapha an incredible teacher in my life. He did the “decolonizing the mind” that class meant a lot to me till today.

I met the 3 in Long Island in NY. I went to college at Hofstra and had won a scholarship from Ibeu.

I arrived 10 days before 9 11. Even in Long Island I could hear the explosion.

That changed me a lot. My friends from Morocco had to explain that they were not terrorists. All students from Muslim countries had to explain and I became more interested in learning what was going on in the Middle East.

I ended up winning another Hofstra scholarship to study international politics in Amsterdam in the Netherlands.

There I met Haiko. Haiko was my first husband. Even today he is my friend. The separation I invented to abandon my doctorate which was at the LSE in London. My doctorate was about Israel and Palestine. I l left and went to travel.

Before my doctorate and master’s degree I lived in London and I went to Morocco to know the country of my friends.

Mounia arranged an incredible trip for me Haiko and our friend Adriana to go to the Sahara desert. It was amazing.

We went to other beautiful places together like Marrakech, Rabat, Casablanca, but Haiko and Adriana had to go back to work and I decided to stay to know the city that Felipe had told me it was beautiful.m

Felipe had won the same scholarship and it was he who wrote me to go to Hofstra. Me as a spoiled person I even though I might not want to go. Felipe inspired me to go to US.

He had gone to Morocco many years before I went. He had loved and told me that it was beautiful Chefchaouen.

I went and loved it. I met two Spanish gentlemen who were shocked that I was traveling alone. They bought things from Morocco and sold it in Spain.

I explained that it was regular to me to travel alone since I was young woman. In any case they offered to give me a ride to go to Spain.

I did not even know it learned that Spain had land in Africa. I accepted the offer.

The lords were very nice to me and made me see many places until I reached the border. I crossed to Ceuta. When I got in the car, no one from the border looked at me. They just looked at my passport.

I was sad and shocked by Celta. I stayed at the hotel and returned on foot to return to Morocco. Then I saw what I have already written and I will never forget.

Too many queues but they sent me to the front. Africans returning to Africa with the face of sadness. The dream of having a a better life in Europe destroyed. When I crossed I went to see those who tried to cross to Europe with the dream of improve their life.

I took a taxi. At the border there were many of them. And I did not even know where to go. I went from town to town and returned to Marrakech.

I saw my friend Leila, I saw Mounia. We walk. And suddenly from my last days in Morocco I go to sleep and I started feeling electricity in the body. Never had it before. It comes in the body and goes up. It made me feel run from myself.

There is no escape from yourself. And suddenly it goes to the head and I fall in the bed where I was already.

Without have ever having been sick in Morocco. Never having been sad or angry. I was in the place of my friends and everything was perfect in my trip.

I remember when I woke up and told Moon she told the lady who worked there . She prayed in a Moroccan way. I spoke to the doctor and did not think it was anything.

Mounia and Leila were my college friends. Mounia came to my first marriage in Holland. Leila lived with me in NY. Mustapha has always made me think of decolonizing the mind. I worked with him in college.

In my first coma Leila would call me to help me to speak French again. Mustapha wanted to know what was happening to me. On my second marriage to my love André, Leila came here to Brazil.

I got married in September 2015. Leila was killed in Ouagadogou in January 2016. Dr Getulio died in February 2016. And I went to the hospital again. I felt bad. They did not know what it was. They thought it was Vasculitis. They gave me cortisone. And I went to Burma alone. Andre and I moved to Peru and again I felt sich and I go to Brasil and I am induced to Coma in Brasil. This time without Dr Getulio and Leila.

I tell all this to say that Dr Getulio searched for years and died doing what he loves. Leila was doing what she loves.

Felipe a great filmmaker is making a movie about Leila now.

Written all this is to tell that we do not know much about our life. The most important thing is to give value to all our actions.

I hope we can all do what we believe is the best not only for us, for the world.

I hope people understand that people have different perceptions. We are all are going to depart from our lifes.

We need to be less afraid. And accept how the path is. Even with my great longing for Leila and Getulio I know they died doing what they love and thinking about the others.

Areas of the Brain

It is harder for me to write. I guess we have to simply accept the mistakes.

When I was a child my parents put me in a French school when I was a child.

In Lycée in Brasil I had to speak most things in french, also english and portugues.

I hated. I went to Lycée in Argentina and there french and spanish. When we return to Brasil as an adolescent I cried, scream to get put of the French school and go to Brazilian school.

Mu father did not want, and my mother accepted.

I moved and was choked how boring was Brazilian school I went.We had to read the same book. We had to classes and for exams we had to write the same thing we had learned. For that we had a great notes.

In Lycee it was the opposite. The same what you have learned you get bad notes. To be good it have to be thoughts after we have learned.

To read we would go to the place of books to choose of the book we think is good. All my friends had different than me. After maybe a week we had an exam. That was to tell others about the book and what we thought. That I started to love reading.

The funny thing is that with my coma now it is easier to write than to read. I realise it is probably in different parts of the brain.

I am writing this because as I had told in my coma I could not do anything I am slowly returning.

As I am in Asia I have to speak english, French, Spanish and I realise that what I learned as a child is more strong after.

I had learned some of Duch in Holland, I lived there and my first husband eas from there, Arab from Palestine, Hebrew because my Phd , Thai because I was volunteer teaching english in a small village where just no one lady spoke English. Italian because when I lived in Australia I was forced to learn another language.

As I am in Thailand I realise it is hard to return to what you learn not as a child.

I also realise that are many parts of the brain. I was always bad with numbers. I am worse now. I also had to learn swimming, flexibility like yoga, music as a child.

As I am travelling to places I know well I can swim , do Yoga, bicycles, walks.

I see this days a women from Thailand adopted a child here in Thailand who was pregnant 18. It was her student, she was afraid. She told her she would adopt her . I thought all people who want to have children they choose learn from my coma.

I realise if my parents had not made me learn languages, movements of body, music, mathematics I realise I would not be able to bagly to write this. Even with mistakes I know it is importanta.

I do not think your kids have coma. I say because my grandmother is 94 and reads in 3 la languages. Have broken legs but it is doing Physiotherapy . Grand ma always did gim.And she says she is old I get books, music for values of life. Values is to live even in losses.

I guess I write this that I realise how profoundly how is important it is for the kids to learn when they are young. Their lives will be better. Getting older will be better. Use all the areas of the brain. Languages, mathematics, art, music, yoga, Swim etc,

I would like to go to Lycée to say thank you for teaching me to have thoughts in relationship to what we have learned. Never to simply say the same you have learned.

And I also realise that I am thankfully to my mother who is 70 and have always accepted my ideas, made me live out of family at 15. To have always to deal with my huge different ideas. I had learned in Licee not to copy, to thin.

Like now. I change my plan and me and Andre are going to Vietnam. This is the place I have never been. I admire my mom did not say “ Dont go” Even Dad once had to came here to take me out of coma in Thailand. Mom and Dad.

She said “ Enjoy” My grandma is the same. “ I am happy you are enjoying”.

Remember now I write and make mistakes. That is ok for me.

I also forget images, faces, memory and the music is harder the melodies.. never the words, the name 🙂

I guess we have to accepts falls but that is not to keep present thinking the past is better. As Dalai Lama says

” when we loose don’t the lesson. ”