In losses we learn the value of life and the purpose


Decolonizing the mind was the best class I ever had in my life. It was from Moustapha and I did it with Leila. Mounia has also took this class, and the 3 are so important in my life. They were the 3 from Morocco.




It was in Morocco that I had my first epileptic attack, and I love this country and I had it but you don’t know what is. I was alone seeing Morocco more than Haiko because he had to travel and I love the country. When I told him about this electricity he realised I had to go see doctors, and they told me to go to hospital, and I ended up going. But the first time I was in hospital, where they did loads of exams, and declared what I had, epilepsy. It was in 2007. I declared to go out and look for alternative ways to deal with my epilepsy, and of course I felt good, till I blocked speaking after 6 months. And I wonder if it was to talk to my mom I had epilepsy. She told me to come to Brasil immediately and then I went to hospital here in Brasil, and they found a good neurologist. My doctor who I like but made me take Phenobarbital. What I have doubts, because at that moment I became dependant on drugs till now. That I really have doubts how it works, I have been in 2 comas, even if I was taking medication. One time I took out of medication and my my doctor, Getulio told me he would not be my doctor if I didn’t take it. I agreed and I took it and then, even taking it I had an epileptic attack and I was induced to coma In Thailand and was induced in Brasil.

I told a friend, who is medical doctor, that I never believed in people who are so certain of something. I always have doubts in those studies. He said. “do you think the finger can really understand the other finger. Like the brain, can you believe the brain can really know about the brain?” He told me I had 2 comas for epilepsy

When he told me that, it made me remember the first time I went to India, to Dharamsala with Haiko. And luckily I went and there was a Buddhism class from Dalai Lama. His first words were “Do not become Buddhist, respect all religions, and follow what it is inside of you”. That amazed me. I never knew so much about Buddhism, but I knew there were many different styles of paths in countries in Buddhism. The School of buddhism off the Dalai Lama was Gelug. I knew that Buddhism has different traditions in countries, and many different in religions in India. But I knew India was a bigger country in the past, before the independence. I used to hear how Gandhi was admired in different countries, but in India I started to see, as I know it now, there are many who do not like him, seems like now the number of people in India who don’t like him is growing. They did not like that the country was divided, and many do not like the Islamic. I have bean in Kashmir, and I know many people do not respect him. But as I was speaking, Sidarta was born in India before the division. I deeply respect human beings. Sidarta, was then born there, now I know it is in Nepal. But about Buddhism I never imagined that there would also be different styles among the Tibetans, in Nepal more Hindu than many tibetans live in Nepal live and in India, as well buddhism and in China as well. I always wanted to go to Nepal and there, but from India I learned so much.


I always loved to learn about religions. I knew a little about Buddhism but never got into much detail of Buddhism in Tibetans. Luckily in my class I met Denise who felt I should meet Karmapa. I said yes, but I did not know who he was. It was then that I read that HH Dalai Lama was the 14th reincarnation and went by Gelug school of Buddhism. I read that HH Karmapa was the 17th reincarnation of his lineage. How could I say thanks to Denise, who invited me to see Karmapa. I was an atheist and never really believed in anything. But always loved to learn about religions. Denise took me to another place where many tibetans and others wanted to see Karmapa. After he said his words, I thought we would go back to Dharamshala, but then Denise told me we had a private meeting with HH Karmapa. I was shocked, Denise told me she felt I should go. Denise and her friend Rita had white scarfs and I did not know about what to do. I asked a Lama where to buy a white scarf, he gave me his. I asked him what to do when I enter his place. He told me to enter and put my had down 3 times, and has him only one question. I had no idea what I could ask him in only one question. I thought a long time. And I asked him “I don’t know what I have, and what was the point of life”. He stood-up, came close and touched my had and said, “electricity, it is all in your brain”. I, as an atheist, was completely shocked. How could HH Karmapa know I have and epilepsy? I looked and even decided to see his path of kagyu Tibetan Buddhism. HH Karmapa ask if I wanted to take a picture with us. I was so amazed. I wonder how could say thank you. That made me so deeply amazed, till today, after after 2 comas and many times in hospital, it is the most amazing thing to me.


There I asked Denise how could I give a deeper gift for making me meet HH Karmapa. She asked me simply if I we would go back to London. I sad yes, and she asked me if I could bring some clothes to Lama Lobsang. Lama Lobsang was a Tibetan who used to give Buddhism classes in Europe. I never did his class. I was in the university of LSE, when I called him where I was, I told him I could go to give his gifts and he said he preferred to come where I was. So he came to LSE university, I gave him his gift, we had tea and we became friends. He usually came to my house and I went to his house. I will never forget the last time I saw him. I did not want to go but as I was desperate, but feeling I could not go. I enter his house saying all the problems of my life, about my disease, and pain, and he told we should go to the kitchen. He told me to seat and he cooked. And as he cooked, all the thoughts went by and when he cooked and we ate in silence, I was in peace. Lama Lobsang told me to go a place of his house and he said. “do you remember you were sad, angry, desperate?” All came back. As I said all the thoughts, he said, “Do you see you were like this, and the silence while cooking made you become slowly peaceful. And one word made it all come back”. “All is impermanent”. He said one “your enemy its your best friend, it is you”.


When I actually did Vipassana that was to do decolonizing the mind. That was meditating. It is to meditate for 10 days with no phone, not speaking, no book it’s you with you alone. that is the hardest thing and of great value. That is now that I see how neuroscience is more profound than you think. How I finally see how the dreams are very important. Not the other telling you what mean, it is you realising what it it they are telling about yourself. They show things you did not see while awake. Many people need to see another human to help them see, like a psychologist, or neurologist. I declared the director, In Vipassa all about Philosophy, anthropology, psychology the lady told me your enemy is your best friend, it is you. I wrote about this before . It was so hard. I did it to proof but it is amazing. It is to deal with yourself.


I just write for many reasons. I am actually grateful I had and epileptic attack, sometimes I hate it sometimes I like it. It is all impermanent. And Andre became friend of my first husband Haiko who is a Neuroscientist. And for ever I am thankful to people I am tankful for Mustapha, Leila, Mounia, Felipe, Akamine, Sho, Alondra, Giovani, Julian, Pao, Rebecca, Luciana, Paula, Nese, Sam, Adriana, Vitao, Kons, Denise, Isabel, Andrey, Mariana, Tia, Rita, Daniel, Naoko, Michal, Ghandi, Fi, Netinha, and my parents and my grandmother who have supported me with 2 comas. Sorry for some medications made me angry, depressed etc.

Most of those have always have though about the others. Not about money, about inner peace and I know some of those do not realise how good they are.

Maybe I have to decolonize my brain 🙂

Many times I thought how muchI have lost. I remember I wanted to go out of the Lycée but I wanted realise the value of having critical thoughts and not just repeating what they say. From that I remember from that my mom said to go to the US. I did not want to go, but Felipe who had gotten the same scholarship before and wrote to convince me to go. I was in NY. I studied so many things. And from there I saw the chance for a test to get a scholarship to go to Holland for International Politics in Amsterdam. That is what made me remember Haiko. I used not like the bike like I never did before. Then we moved to London and I did my master and it was about Israel and Palestine. When I decided to abandon my PhD, my professor Rita asked me why wouldn’t I should it about Buddhism. I went out. Later I just thought it was so sad I had abandoned good things.

But now I would not have been able to meet Andre, spend time with my grandmother who is 95, my dear friends and mom and dad. I realise that in the losses there are values. It makes me remember we have to be present. Impermanence actually it is easy to see. Compassion it is not so easy. But the hardest for me it is to be in peace. That it is hard.


So give value to your losses for that makes you meet new things. I have lost a lot. It is hard to write without technology. I would not be able to send this post to all of you without it. And of course Andre, who is a technologist, has to correct my billions of my mistakes after so many epileptic attacks, and Andre editing my mistakes. Never think your losses is so bad, there is something that you can get from it.



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