I have not been writing because of a profound reason. It is really scaring to tell why. Yet I believe it is true the deep truth that we can reach somewhere that is really valuable. First I must say that it is not that easy to write. I am fighting to recover my abilities. I am certain that many people who I love will be shocked buy this but I ask you to respect that I have chosen a path that most people would not.
Last year in January I lost my dear friend Leila Alaooui and I hope I can see her film I heard about there is. Last year I also lost my doctor Dr. Getulio. Ironically, it was in Morocco that I had my first epileptic attack, and when I came to Brasil I met Dr. Getulio who will be forever my dear doctor and friend. We were profoundly different. He once said that I would die in Asia, and I said he would die of running. I was right, and I hope he is right. It does not mean I want to die now. I hope that death that comes to us all, I hope mine will be in Asia. I remember . I remember being in two funerals in v Thailand. I Was told we should smile and think about the good memories, even if we suffered we should let the person live, we should not cry and ask the person to stay.
So, when last year I lost these two people I had a stroke. As I was in hospital I met an older lady Fatima, who had been in and out of hospital for 30 years. She was there alone. As Andre came to visit me, I asked him to bring her a letter and chocolate and as he was there I bought a ticket to go to Burma alone, since Andre and I were moving to Peru.
I was told by my new Dr that I could die in Burma. I replied would all will die one day. I prefer to die in the street, in my house, and in Asia than in hospital. Today I would say it even stronger. I prefer to live, than to fight to survive in a hospital.
As came back from Asia I was told there that cortisone would harm me. I was taking 40 mg. I decided to search for a Chinese doctor. It took more than 10 years, in many continents, for western medicine diagnose my Cerebral Vasculitis. That took me losing my doctor and Leila, a stroke to be declared in the west hospital to say. It took one picture of my eye for Dr Pan to say the same.
I quit western medicine. Taking Gardenal for my promise to Getulio and 5 mg of cortisone and acupuncture. When my grandmother was sick, I came to Brasil and augmented cortisone alone to 20. As I came to Peru ( where I live) to suddenly to get diarrhea, and then an epileptic attack. My parents wanted me to go Brasil. I decided and declared I did not want to. I decided to observe and ask Dr Pan what to do.
He told me I should think about it less. When it happened to stop and breathe deeply. To observe what it was happening. Andre who is very observing he immediately realized it happened in specific situations. I stated to pay attention and he was right.
I started to pay attention. It first seemed in the street when I was about to cross the road. That took me back to accidents I had been in. I had every time I had to take a decision. Andre realized I would have when he would contradict me, when there was a change in the plan, even a joke. It was amazing because once he said it I went to search for what Lama Lobsang had said.
“Julieta, you should not feel bad. You are quite blessed. You are beautiful, intelligent, you have a very good life.”
“Lama, I don’t know whether my brain is destroying itself or not.”
“Julieta, learn this. Your enemies are your best friends.”
I enquired whether it was in the sense of impermanence. And he agreed but followed
“ your enemies, or any adversity that you have are the only true things that allow you to practice compassion and patience. And only when you practice compassion towards your manifested enemy, you will understand your “enemies” are but a reflection of your internal enemies. Those go with you wherever you go. So when you encounter a manifested enemy you have a real chance to practice compassion, and see the real enemy comes from within. That is the hardest thing to do, to be compassionate to yourself. And only when you can feel compassion to yourself you can start to be free from suffering .”
As I read it I was taken aback. I remembered of compassion, and Patience. Nothing I remembered of being inside of us. As I read it I decided to share with so many people since I felt that it applied to so many people. I even send it to Fatima that lady who had spent 30 years in hospital. To my surprise, she was in hospital now.
I made this strong declaration to my parents and I had huge support of my mother and my father attacked me with fear. He spoke death is not bed. But you can stop being able to write, to talk, to walk. That scared me, but not enough. I decided I would stay in this path. I even started to do my own acupuncture to be free. I am happy to tell you that after weeks I have been the past 3 days without an epileptic attack. In fact, these weeks I have been happy about Happy Losar (Tibetan year) while still having partial seizure.
Today I met a boy in his 30 who is paralyzed. I met him in the pool. He is from Canada and he became paralyzed in when he was 18. We spoke so much. He is seeing the world alone. He drives a campervan. He teaches snowboarding. He plans to go after to South Africa. Like me he sees his disease as a bless.
I can imagine that it is hard for most people to understand that. The fact it is that sometimes we need a very hard moment to pay attention to what really matters in life. We are all very different. Yet we are human beings. I remember when I met HH Dalai Lama and he said “takes from BUdism what makes sense to you. Value the religion and the culture of the place where you come from.
I am glad to say that it took me these very hard days to be remembered that the path I chose is to see the deep reality of things. I have been noticing in the hard difficulty came with this epileptic attacks, came lack of speech, loss of vision, despair. I simply did not search for something to take it away, to not mask it, I felt that I was being told by my body that I should pay attention. I should not artificially remove it. Like Lama Lobsang said, it would come with me everywhere. My grandmother made me put her medicine in the trash because it took away her consciousness. “I prefer consciousness even if the price is pain”, she said. I decided I have taken this path before but now I wanted to stay in what is happening and to look what really is behind. I was surprised that we carry a lot of memories, of addictions, failures.
I am sure many people read this and want to give me a wake up call. I feel more alive than ever. Even if it is hard to right this. I am even sure I had a strong inflammation in my brain these weeks. However I feel ( since I can tell you) that I am getting better, of course will edit it :😊.
I do not want a medicine that takes me from what really is happening. I do not want to paint my hair. I want to learn to accept life as it is. I want to learn to not get in bed synapses. I am not tell you to do the same. I am simply saying that I am very happy with Andre is next to me. Andrei from afar gave me inspiration to write again and to cross his country and dream of Andre : Russia
I accept what ever path you took. I ask you to respect mine. If by chance I die I declare I will die happy because I am living deeply. I hope I will be able to write you from our new trip to Asia and Russia. I hope all that I tell you will be the truth. I hope you all are happy. If I have hurt you without even realizing it I apologize.
I miss Leila and Dr Getulio and Lama Lobsang. But I do know that they left doing what they love.